Disclaimer: The post contains explicit content. Readers' discretion advised.
If you are an Indian living outside your country, there are times when a random Indian would try to start a conversation with this particular icebreaker -"So... Indian haan? Where in India?"
What do you respond?
If a person asking you this question is a Tamilian, and if you have the noble unadulterated Tamilian blood, flowing in your racist veins, hailing from Chennai, you would naturally say "Nāṉ ceṉṉaiyil iruntu irukkiṟēṉ!" Congratulations! You have found yourself a new best friend in the foreign land. Your macha might even offer you a free lunch of lamb curry and maybe invite you for the new Surya movie playing in theatres.
This is an undisputed fact that we Indians judge each other as soon as we spot each other walking on streets. What is the lens that we use to judge? Language and regional origin. Forget your achievements, your benevolence, your personality or any amount of positivity that you have. Let's say if you are a North Indian (and by North Indian I mean from any state that is above Karnataka on the Map of India), a Tamilian will judge you and dismiss you as a "pundaa mavane!". No conversation, no interaction, nothing! Just because! Since you are not from South India, fuck you, you are a worthless poolu. The Same feeling is reciprocated by non-South Indians, yes, the ones who are the loosu koodhi extraterritorial "naarth indiansaa". North Indians disregard them by calling them chutiya lungi log just because they are from south India. So you know what I am talking about.
The hatred is mutual. This was just to give you a gist of the actual gruesome war of ethnicity. The grievance exists among everyone. Don't be offended when we as Indians, face racism in other countries. Please! Don't! Look at yourselves. They are just less racist than you. Every state of India hates the other state. India is a racist country. Period. How many of you can list out the seven glorious states in North East? You won't be able to remember even 3 of them!
Now that I have outraged, I would like to share a personal anecdote. It involves two states that are poles apart in every way you can imagine. One is the state where alcohol flows ceremoniously from family to family, and the other is the bhangra capital of India! I am talking about Gujarat and Punjab in that order. Yes, Gujarat - the dry state - where alcohol consumption is maximum (well, mostly) in India but still it is regarded holier than thou because Gandhi.
I belong to a Punjabi family who migrated to Gujarat after partition with the hope of finding a better life. Cutting the chase, I was born and brought up in a Punjabi family in Gujarat. Since childhood, I have grown up with Gujaratis around me that rendered me to speak Gujarati fluently. I understand the culture and references. Similarly, being in a Punjabi family, I have inculcated Punjabi family values and language in me. The interesting part is that I know about the existing hatred these two ethnic groups hold for each other. Superficially, they smile at each other but deep inside their hearts they abuse each other for being what they are. But, I have loved both the cultures. I get equally hysterical whether I am dancing in a Garba form or a Bhangra form. I love fafda-jalebi as much as I love butter chicken. I have handled more drunken Gujarati friends than drunk Punjabi relatives! How do I react when a friend's mother regards me as impure because "tame loko to mutton-macchi khao" or how do I respond to the situation where an aggressive Punjabi uncle from Delhi looks at me and says "badde kanjoos honde o tussa gujju saare!"
Fast forwarding it to the present time when I live outside India. Every time someone enquires regarding my belonging in India, I am clueless as to what to answer. If I say Gujarat, they'll judge me and hate me for being a money minded penny-pincher shopkeeper whose staple diet is dhokla. If I say Punjab, they'll regard me as a meat-eater, heavy drinker loud taxi driver who can't survive without uttering the word "maayiova" in every sentence. But, I am neither of them. I am just a student who enjoys watching movies, partying with good people and traveling, while also saving up for future. I am a normal peace loving human being saaaar! What do I say? Every time I talk about Punjabi culture, my friends would say how do you know since you are a gujju! Every time I try to mingle with a gujju group, they call me "aa to non-veg chhe!" Bastards, for a change why don't you all grow up and realise you are in a foreign land. The same land where you want to get laid with that penny-pincher beef eating, beer guzzling lovely European traveller. Double standards!
When I am extremely angry at someone I yell "phenchod! saala ghel chodya!" That's how I abuse. In. Two. Languages. Yes. My abuses are a mix of Punjabi and Gujarati. It's a frustration when you do not know how to project yourself. Two languages. Two cultures. I know both of them in and out. But, both the group of people do not consider me their own. What douchebaggery!!
Recently, I was suffering from a severe case of Acute Exacerbation of Chronic Identity Crisis, and I was so depressed that I went to see a doctor. Bastard kicked me out yelling "Aai zavadya! Tumhi sagde non-maharshtrians vegde zaalet!" From that moment on, I knew I am never getting cured.
Now after deep contemplation of trying to find the meaning of a meaningless segregation, I have decided not to reveal any information regarding my origins. I patiently wait for the person to tell me where he is from. If that person is a South Indian, does it even matter from where I come? If the person is from anywhere above Gujarat, I say I am from Delhi. If a person is from Gujarat or Maharashtra, I say I am from Gujarat. If I meet anyone from Arunachal Pradesh, I ask her to show me her Indian passport!
Now, you decide whether I am a Punjabi or a Gujarati.
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